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Thursday, May. 22, 2003 - 4:00 p.m. I really don't suck THIS bad.
Alright, this is going to be the ONE entry (at least I
will try to make it that) where I am totally down on myself. I have
shocking news. I am not perfect. *GASP*!!!!! Say it isn't so! Alright, here's the deal.... I am having (what I
define as) a midlife crisis. I am 34 years old. I do not have a job to
speak of (I am working temp stuffing Fed Ex envelopes and creating tracking
numbers). I do not have any semblance of a career nor have I ever. I
have two degrees, neither of which have helped me in any way, shape or form to
develop a career. I have been fired from almost every job I have ever had
and never risen above entry level. Every one of those jobs I faced
extenuating circumstances where I worked for an alcoholic, a misogynistic,
sexually harassing man who pretended to be a gynecologist, a man who screwed up
in his job then scapegoated me, a company where I was subject to hostile
environment and was told to put up or shut up when I filed a complaint.
Each of those were separate companies. I have no health insurance. I
have no retirement savings. I have a twelve year old car that has to
have the AC replaced every single year. My husband brings home $1500/month
when he should be bringing home three times that much. I have no children
and no immediate plans to have any because of the no health insurance and no
money situation. I cannot wear 90 percent of the clothes I own because
they are all too small due to my weight gain over the last year and a half but I
cannot afford to buy new clothes, or at least new clothes that are nice and
workplace appropriate. The clothes I can wear I sometimes wear more than
once a week. I am at least 35 pounds overweight. I have no sex drive
at all. I don't care about sex, don't want to have sex, no desire to have sex.
I think I look dumpy. I get jealous when friends of mine are more
financially successful than me, especially if we are the same age or they are
younger. I anger easily, get frustrated easily, get anxious easily, have
panic attacks and anxiety attacks and feel a horrible overwhelming guilt if
things are not done mistake or glitch free. I suffer from depression and
feelings of self worthlessness. I wonder why my life isn't better and
think that that this is NOT where I planned to be at this stage of my life.
At times I feel like I let my parents down because they raised me to go on to do
something with my life, sent me to college, and what do I have to show for it?
Nothing really. I'm not even a parent myself. What was the point of
them spending all that money on my to get an education if its done me no good at
all? I wish my mother were nicer to me or showed more concern for me than
she has or does. Overall, though, I think I genuinely like who I am.
I just don't like my situation. Do I think I need therapy? Hell yes.
Can I go to therapy? Hell no. Can't pay for it. I KNOW that I should be thankful for the thinks that I DO
have. It is just really hard when you expected things of yourself and you
keep trying and trying and never achieve those goals. I think I have brought myself down even further with this
entry. I'll try and be funny again next time. I promise. Song virus du jour (surprisingly): "Allstar" ~ Smashmouth
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- - Wednesday, May. 21, 2008
More updates on another blog home. - Wednesday, Feb. 06, 2008 Where are my zzzzzz's? - Thursday, Nov. 08, 2007 Halloween '07 - Friday, Nov. 02, 2007 Hallween is All Good! - Wednesday, Oct. 31, 2007 |
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