Thursday, May. 22, 2003 - 4:00 p.m.

I really don't suck THIS bad.

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Alright, this is going to be the ONE entry (at least I will try to make it that) where I am totally down on myself.  I have shocking news.  I am not perfect.  *GASP*!!!!!  Say it isn't so!

Alright, here's the deal....  I am having (what I define as) a midlife crisis.  I am 34 years old. I do not have a job to speak of (I am working temp stuffing Fed Ex envelopes and creating tracking numbers).  I do not have any semblance of a career nor have I ever.  I have two degrees, neither of which have helped me in any way, shape or form to develop a career.  I have been fired from almost every job I have ever had and never risen above entry level.  Every one of those jobs I faced extenuating circumstances where I worked for an alcoholic, a misogynistic, sexually harassing man who pretended to be a gynecologist, a man who screwed up in his job then scapegoated me, a company where I was subject to hostile environment and was told to put up or shut up when I filed a complaint.  Each of those were separate companies.  I have no health insurance.  I have no retirement savings.   I have a twelve year old car that has to have the AC replaced every single year.  My husband brings home $1500/month when he should be bringing home three times that much.  I have no children and no immediate plans to have any because of the no health insurance and no money situation.  I cannot wear 90 percent of the clothes I own because they are all too small due to my weight gain over the last year and a half but I cannot afford to buy new clothes, or at least new clothes that are nice and workplace appropriate.  The clothes I can wear I sometimes wear more than once a week.  I am at least 35 pounds overweight.  I have no sex drive at all. I don't care about sex, don't want to have sex, no desire to have sex.  I think I look dumpy.  I get jealous when friends of mine are more financially successful than me, especially if we are the same age or they are younger.  I anger easily, get frustrated easily, get anxious easily, have panic attacks and anxiety attacks and feel a horrible overwhelming guilt if things are not done mistake or glitch free.  I suffer from depression and feelings of self worthlessness.  I wonder why my life isn't better and think that that this is NOT where I planned to be at this stage of my life.  At times I feel like I let my parents down because they raised me to go on to do something with my life, sent me to college, and what do I have to show for it?  Nothing really.  I'm not even a parent myself.  What was the point of them spending all that money on my to get an education if its done me no good at all?  I wish my mother were nicer to me or showed more concern for me than she has or does. 

Overall, though, I think I genuinely like who I am.  I just don't like my situation.  Do I think I need therapy?  Hell yes.  Can I go to therapy?  Hell no.  Can't pay for it.

I KNOW that I should be thankful for the thinks that I DO have.  It is just really hard when you expected things of yourself and you keep trying and trying and never achieve those goals.

I think I have brought myself down even further with this entry.  I'll try and be funny again next time.  I promise.

Song virus du jour (surprisingly):  "Allstar" ~ Smashmouth

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