Wednesday, Mar. 28, 2007 - 8:48 a.m.

My Dreams of Late I Fear

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The last month or so I have been having some very disturbing dreams and nightmares.  The first one, that I can recall, happened a few weeks ago and I opined that it would make a great episode of CSI.  I have to keep in perspective that these ARE just dreams, and not reality.  However, they are bothersome nonetheless.

Dream number one centered around my and my children's' kidnapping, and the sadistic nature and ferocity of this dream still disturbs me, as it would any other parent.  The kidnapper tortured me to the point of dislocating both of my arms rendering them useless and me incapacitated, and in front of me, killed and devoured both of my children. I was not a happy camper after waking up following this one.  It was vivid, it was violent, it was emotional, it was in color, and it was deeply, DEEPLY disturbing.  Of course with dream interpretation, one of this nature probably has some bright, sunny, happy meaning.

I have also been having dreams of a dystopian nature.  A dystopia is in essence the opposite of a utopia.  "1984",  "Brave New World", ""V" For Vendetta", and "Brazil" all take place in dystopian societies.  Nothing in particular happens in these dreams, but the landscape is bluish gray, and "Soviet" looking, and dismal.  I'm not sure how many of these I have had, but there have been several, and there doesn't seem to be any plot to them either.  I can only recall images.  

Last night I had a full on dream with a sensical plot, that was not disjointed, "weird," or otherwise surreal.  Well, it was surreal in the sense that it was about a former friend of mine who, after having not been a part of my life for the past 6 years, suddenly returned, and in full force.  Have you ever been involved in a toxic relationship, the kind where the other party is an emotional vampire, draining you of emotional energy, randomly and out of the blue  threatening to harm you or your possessions, placing unreasonable expectations on you at any given moment, always changing the rules of your friendship, berating you for no reason, spewing vitriol at you for their own mistakes, and making your life miserable at times?  Then at times this person has days, weeks, months or years of lucidity and stability and they are pure joy to have in your life, only to suddenly turn and demonstrate their skewed perception of reality.  I am speaking specifically of a woman I was friends with for many years, and who I believe to have borderline personality disorder.  Based on the above description, needless to say it was a very difficult relationship at times, and at times, it was a joy and she and I were best friends, and I could love no one, except my husband, more.  But the wild swings in mood and behavior put a strain on our relationship, the retroactive expectations that were imposed on me took their toll, and the sudden and sometimes violent occurrences that took place were too much for me, and my fiancé and then husband to deal with.  The final straw took place several years ago, after she engaged in an extramarital affair and, after relating all to me, I expressed my opinion of the situation.  I was told in no certain terms to "fuck off," and "get the hell out of our lives."  This had not been the first time this had happened.  Then several months later, after he ended their affair, she made a half hearted attempt to take her own life by swallowing a bottle of pills with a bottle of vodka, or tequila.  I don't remember which and it really doesn't matter.  At the hospital, with her very patient husband by her side (I say patient because she had assaulted him on several occasions) she began asking for me specifically, and lamenting that I had "abandoned her."  To make a long story short, I was again asked to be a part of her life, and I responded that I could no longer continue down this path that we had traveled for so long.

Now, why this is important to my dream from last night.  I went to see Tarik at work, which, as always is in dreams, looked nothing like it does in reality.  However, at the time I got there, a fire ensued in the building and it was being evacuated.  He had come down to see me, but had to return to retrieve something important.  I was speaking with him on the cell phone when she came up beside me and stood there looking at me waiting for me to finish my conversation.  When she turned away, I stage whispered into the phone to him, "Guess who just showed up and is standing right beside me."  He, for some reason, knew and said her name.  In the meantime, occupants of the building, which looked like a parking garage, were streaming out of the doorway.   I had to finish my conversation with him and address her.  She was there to reconnect with me.  She looked fabulous, her hair was beautiful, as it always has been, and she was dressed in a coral colored linen vest and matching capris, not that coral is her color, but, that's what color it was.  I flat out told her that I thought I had made it clear years ago that I could no longer continue our relationship because of everything that I previously mentioned in this entry, specifically her behavior surrounding her extramarital affair and subsequent suicide attempt.  (*Please note that while I do not condone extra marital affairs, that is not the reason I chose to discontinue my friendship with her, but rather her unstable, volatile, and violent behavior, and refusal to seek proper help to become stable.)  She is the one who told me to get the hell out of her life, and I complied.  Now, she wanted me back in her life, and I just couldn't do it.  I couldn't allow myself to be bullied by her unstable emotional state, to subject myself of a life of walking on eggshells around her lest I say or do something that suddenly is wrong, or wait for the inevitable moment that she would go off the deep end and threaten me, or my family.  I couldn't put that kind of toll on my family.  Her response was what I expected.  She stormed off, and in front of hundreds of people who had just evacuated this burning building, threatened to never stop harassing me.  As she got further away from me, and descended into a parking area, her vocalizations grew louder and louder, all the while cursing me and continuing her threats.  I freaked and ran inside the entrance to the building, which, as I mentioned before, was very much like a parking garage.  I called my husband and told him what had happened and waited for him to come down the stairs.

In the meantime, a woman who had descended the stairs and was at the bottom went into histrionics and started screaming that she needed to go back up, so she could come down again because she "didn't do it right."  In my dream I understood that she had OCD and needed to repeat her descent of the stairs because somewhere on the stairs, she lost count of her steps.  

I believe this is where I woke up.   I almost expect that I will hear from "S," as I will refer to her, at any given time.  She has tried to contact me a couple of times over the years and I have ignored these attempts.  I am still friends with her ex-husband and his new wife.  Unfortunately, they must periodically be subject to her rants and instability, and I feel for them.  I really do.  Its taken me YEARS to purge her from my life, emotionally that is.  I can go months without a single thought of her, but then sometimes, something will happen and I will think of her.   There are times that I truly do miss her, but then I am reminded of the emotional hell she put me through, and then I am just saddened, saddened that someone I can honestly say that I still care about, can not be a part of my life.  I struggled with guilt for a long time after our relationship ended.  Guilt over whether or not I should have stuck it out and stood by her side to support her through her difficulties because she was/is ill and at times honestly has no control over her behavior.  But then I realize that I did all that I could to help her, to encourage her to seek help, and did stand by her side, supporting her, both emotionally, and in an unfortunate case, in a legal matter.  No matter, I was a good friend, but my family and my own emotional well being had to come first.  Nothing about a situation like this is easy.  I just have to know for the rest of my life that I did what was best.

Song Virus du Jour:  The Overture to "Carmen" - Georges Bizet

Useless Trivia du Jour: Anyone know any good jokes?

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