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Wednesday, Mar. 28, 2007 - 8:48 a.m. My Dreams of Late I Fear
The last month or so I have been having
some very disturbing dreams and nightmares.� The first one, that I can
recall, happened a few weeks ago and I opined that it would make a great episode
of CSI.� I have to keep in perspective that these ARE just dreams, and not
reality.� However, they are bothersome nonetheless. Dream number one centered around my and my
children's' kidnapping, and the sadistic nature and ferocity of this dream still
disturbs me, as it would any other parent.� The kidnapper tortured me to
the point of dislocating both of my arms rendering them useless and me
incapacitated, and in front of me, killed and devoured both of my children. I
was not a happy camper after waking up following this one.� It was vivid,
it was violent, it was emotional, it was in color, and it was deeply, DEEPLY
disturbing.� Of course with dream interpretation, one of this nature
probably has some bright, sunny, happy meaning. I have also been having dreams of a
dystopian nature.� A dystopia is in essence the opposite of a utopia.�
"1984",� "Brave New World", ""V" For
Vendetta", and "Brazil" all take place in dystopian
societies.� Nothing in particular happens in these dreams, but the
landscape is bluish gray, and "Soviet" looking, and dismal.� I'm
not sure how many of these I have had, but there have been several, and there
doesn't seem to be any plot to them either.� I can only recall
images.�� Last night I had a full on dream with a
sensical plot, that was not disjointed, "weird," or otherwise
surreal.� Well, it was surreal in the sense that it was about a former
friend of mine who, after having not been a part of my life for the past 6
years, suddenly returned, and in full force.� Have you ever been involved
in a toxic relationship, the kind where the other party is an emotional vampire,
draining you of emotional energy, randomly and out of the blue� threatening
to harm you or your possessions, placing unreasonable expectations on you at any
given moment, always changing the rules of your friendship, berating you for no
reason, spewing vitriol at you for their own mistakes, and making your life
miserable at times?� Then at times this person has days, weeks, months or
years of lucidity and stability and they are pure joy to have in your life, only
to suddenly turn and demonstrate their skewed perception of reality.� I am
speaking specifically of a woman I was friends with for many years, and who I believe
to have borderline personality disorder.� Based on the above description, needless
to say it was a very difficult relationship at times, and at times, it was a joy
and she and I were best friends, and I could love no one, except my husband,
more.� But the wild swings in mood and behavior put a strain on our
relationship, the retroactive expectations that were imposed on me took their
toll, and the sudden and sometimes violent occurrences that took place were too
much for me, and my fianc� and then husband to deal with.� The final straw
took place several years ago, after she engaged in an extramarital affair and,
after relating all to me, I expressed my opinion of the situation.� I was
told in no certain terms to "fuck off," and "get the hell out of
our lives."� This had not been the first time this had happened.�
Then several months later, after he ended their affair, she made a half hearted
attempt to take her own life by swallowing a bottle of pills with a bottle of
vodka, or tequila.� I don't remember which and it really doesn't
matter.� At the hospital, with her very patient husband by her side (I say
patient because she had assaulted him on several occasions) she began asking for
me specifically, and lamenting that I had "abandoned her."� To
make a long story short, I was again asked to be a part of her life, and I
responded that I could no longer continue down this path that we had traveled
for so long. Now, why this is important to my dream
from last night.� I went to see Tarik at work, which, as always is in
dreams, looked nothing like it does in reality.� However, at the time I got
there, a fire ensued in the building and it was being evacuated.� He had
come down to see me, but had to return to retrieve something important.� I
was speaking with him on the cell phone when she came up beside me and stood
there looking at me waiting for me to finish my conversation.� When she
turned away, I stage whispered into the phone to him, "Guess who just
showed up and is standing right beside me."� He, for some reason, knew
and said her name.� In the meantime, occupants of the building, which
looked like a parking garage, were streaming out of the doorway.�� I
had to finish my conversation with him and address her.� She was there to
reconnect with me.� She looked fabulous, her hair was beautiful, as it
always has been, and she was dressed in a coral colored linen vest and matching
capris, not that coral is her color, but, that's what color it was.� I flat
out told her that I thought I had made it clear years ago that I could no longer
continue our relationship because of everything that I previously mentioned in
this entry, specifically her behavior surrounding her extramarital affair and
subsequent suicide attempt.� (*Please note that while I do not condone
extra marital affairs, that is not the reason I chose to discontinue my friendship
with her, but rather her unstable, volatile, and violent behavior, and refusal
to seek proper help to become stable.)� She is the one who told me to get
the hell out of her life, and I complied.� Now, she wanted me back in her
life, and I just couldn't do it.� I couldn't allow myself to be bullied by
her unstable emotional state, to subject myself of a life of walking on
eggshells around her lest I say or do something that suddenly is wrong, or wait
for the inevitable moment that she would go off the deep end and threaten me, or
my family.� I couldn't put that kind of toll on my family.� Her
response was what I expected.� She stormed off, and in front of hundreds of
people who had just evacuated this burning building, threatened to never stop harassing
me.� As she got further away from me, and descended into a parking area,
her vocalizations grew louder and louder, all the while cursing me and
continuing her threats.� I freaked and ran inside the entrance to the
building, which, as I mentioned before, was very much like a parking
garage.� I called my husband and told him what had happened and waited for
him to come down the stairs. In the meantime, a woman who had descended
the stairs and was at the bottom went into histrionics and started screaming
that she needed to go back up, so she could come down again because she
"didn't do it right."� In my dream I understood that she had OCD
and needed to repeat her descent of the stairs because somewhere on the stairs,
she lost count of her steps.�� I believe
this is where I woke up.�� I almost expect that I will hear from
"S," as I will refer to her, at any given time.� She has tried to
contact me a couple of times over the years and I have ignored these
attempts.� I am still friends with her ex-husband and his new wife.�
Unfortunately, they must periodically be subject to her rants and instability,
and I feel for them.� I really do.� Its taken me YEARS to purge her
from my life, emotionally that is.� I can go months without a single
thought of her, but then sometimes, something will happen and I will think of
her.�� There are times that I truly do miss her, but then I am
reminded of the emotional hell she put me through, and then I am just saddened,
saddened that someone I can honestly say that I still care about, can not be a
part of my life.� I struggled with guilt for a long time after our
relationship ended.� Guilt over whether or not I should have stuck it out
and stood by her side to support her through her difficulties because she was/is
ill and at times honestly has no control over her behavior.� But then I
realize that I did all that I could to help her, to encourage her to seek help,
and did stand by her side, supporting her, both emotionally, and in an
unfortunate case, in a legal matter.� No matter, I was a good friend, but
my family and my own emotional well being had to come first.� Nothing about
a situation like this is easy.� I just have to know for the rest of my life
that I did what was best. Song
Virus du Jour:� The Overture to "Carmen" - Georges Bizet Useless
Trivia du Jour: Anyone know any good jokes? |
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- - Wednesday, May. 21, 2008
More updates on another blog home. - Wednesday, Feb. 06, 2008 Where are my zzzzzz's? - Thursday, Nov. 08, 2007 Halloween '07 - Friday, Nov. 02, 2007 Hallween is All Good! - Wednesday, Oct. 31, 2007 |
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