Do I need a bigger penis?

Honestly, because 10 times a day I get email telling me that I CAN and NEED to have one, and you know, when things like that start bombarding you, your self esteem kind of takes a beating and you start to wonder.� But then, what would I do with one?��

Which is a great segue to my next train of thought......� my ex-boyfriend who will soon be a transsexual.� How weird is this for me?� Pretty weird I must admit.� I gotta give him a name though and not keep referring to him and "him" and "he".� Davidson.� That's not his real name, but he uses it as a nom de plume.� Davidson is the one person, other than my husband, that I ever came REMOTELY close to marrying.� We were together for two and a half years in college and I was sooooooooooooo head over heels in love I couldn't see the forest for the trees.� In fact, at one point, my parents thought we were secretly married.� Ironically, I got to know my husband Tarik when Davidson and I lived together and he was our next door neighbor during the 1988-89 school year.� So he knows all about this.

We had always thought Davidson was gay.� He was effeminate and kinda scrawny and looked really good with eyeliner. �We even called him the flaming heterosexual.� Hey, this was the 80's and we were gothlings (the 80's funloving glamour goth kind, not the doom and gloom shoot up your school kind of goth they have today - there IS a difference) so androgyny was cool.� I LOVED it when he wore skirts.� He wasn't macho and had sensitivity.� He really turned me on and honestly, he was the best in bed.� And for the time, we were together and he was right for me and I thought if he were bi-sexual, no big deal.� I was 18 and 19 and 20.� What did I know or care!

Let's see Davidson and I were together from about the beginning of 1988 to the middle of 1990.� I was then DUMPED without a second thought for this friend of ours, to whom he became engaged four months later and eventually married.� They had a daughter together who was born with a serious kidney disease, and they later divorced.� To put it more accurately, she left him after about 4 years of marriage, or rather, he got a job in Los Angeles, moved out there to get their residence set up, and she didn't follow.� (I always KNEW she was a total bitch!) BUT!� I digress.

So yeah, head over heels, he was in a band, lived together, dumped me, broke my heart like no one else and hurt me like I have never been hurt before or since, hated him forever and a day, took me years to date again, blah, blah, blah.� I didn�t see or talk to him from the time we broke up til almost 8 years later.

Tarik and I got married in February 1998.� A few months later I was out one evening, probably rehearsing a play, and when I got home Tarik told me that Davidson had called.� Needless to say my heart jumped into my throat as THIS was out the blue.� So I called him back.� I honestly thought he was calling to tell me that perhaps he was ill.� Turns out he had been trying to find me for a couple of years, assumed I was in Washington and never thought to look in Houston.� But he had wanted to call me, apologize for how horribly he treated me when he broke up with me and tell me that it had been bothering him all these years.� I couldn�t believe it.� It was like a new closure for me.� After that, we continued to chat and send emails.� We were friends after 8 years.� Wow!

Fast forward to 2002.� Davidson sends me an email out the blue one day telling me what his plans are for his transformation.� He explained to me that every aspect of our relationship and all his decisions and actions from then forward were connected to this.� He told me that he had tried to kill himself about two years ago (something he did since we have been talking again but he never told me) and after extensive therapy realized he suffered from �gender identity disorder.�� He told me that when we were together, it was the one time in his life he could be himself and not worry about what society�s perception of him was, ie:� masculine, man figure, etc, and that he has known all his life something was not right.� Everything from breaking up with me to immediately dating a new exotic girl, joining the Marines, getting married and having a baby right away were all way he thought he needed to cement his identity, when all along, he was wrong.� It is so much more complicated than that, but this is the most concise way I can put this.� So he told me that he is having a sex change, because he KNOWS he is a woman.� I am really OK with it.� I know that people �know� what they have to do and I respect that.

Here�s the kicker though, after he is finished (at this point he has been undergoing hormonal treatments for over a year and has had a nose job) he will still date women. He LOVES women.� So he will go from being a strait man to a lesbian.� That is what I have a hard time understanding.� But that decision is not mine to judge.� Happily, he has the love and support of his parents and siblings, and believe it or not, I was one the first people he told of his decision.� Wow.� I really do wish him the best of luck.� He is so talented and if this means that his life will be saved for him to stick with us longer to provide us with music and his writings, then ��

I really should call him.� He had his nose done last week and he could probably use some encouragement.

Song virus du jour:� "Anticipation" ~ Carly Simon

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