Tuesday, May. 01, 2007 - 7:07 a.m.

Old Friends

A couple of days ago I heard from this old friend.  Now, I have not had any contact with her in several years and for very good reason.  We did not part ways on the best of terms, and this was an unwelcome pattern.  But she found my MySpace profile and emailed me directly to ask me how I was doing, to compliment me on my kids and say that she was doing well.  It was a very nice email.  I just can't respond to her, not because I have any ill will towards her, quite the opposite.  Our friendship took an enormous emotional toll on me and the last time she "asked" me to get out of her life, I complied to her wishes, permanently.  I just couldn't do it anymore.  I think in my last entry about it I explained myself pretty clearly about how I felt.  I just don't know what else to say on the matter.  Am I upset that she contacted me?  Well, no.  More a bit melancholy.  Am I angry at her?  No.  Do I detest or hate her?  No.  Am I sorry that we can no longer be friends?  Yes, in many ways.  But, I also know that you can't go back, and unfortunately this is one of those times.  Actually, many times over the years there have been times when I have wanted to instinctually pick up the phone and call her because something goofy that rang with some significance between us has happened, or something good in my life has happened, and I wanted to share that with her.  You can't have a friendship as significant as ours without hanging on to some of those old habits and feelings.  But again, I just can't go back.  Do I wish her happiness with her husband and kids who I will never meet?  Yes, absolutely.  And I have seen a picture of one of her children, her baby girl, and what a beautiful baby.  And in all honesty, it saddens me that I will never know her.  Something must have been up with the cosmos a couple of weeks back, because I had that dream about her, then heard from her.  I don't want her to think my non response is out of malice.  Maybe this is my way of responding to her without having to do so directly.  A bit cowardly I would say, but, its what I can do right now.